Girls who swim upstream

He says...

Last night Mrs Rocker taught me something about myself that I didn't know, something I had always tried to figure but couldn't. I was lying in the bath enjoying a Jack Daniels, Mrs Rocker was drinking the same with me and we were chatting as we often do to escape the mindless plasticity of Disney Channel (our kids are home for a mid-term break for a week). We were talking about the girl-friends in my life and those in my life previously, the ones I adore and gravitate towards.

I've had a tendency over the years to not be the least bit interested in women that are beautiful and desirable in a mainstream kind of way. I hardly ever met a conventionally beautiful that I thought was sexy. Actually if I'm honest, I NEVER met a conventionally beautiful woman I thought was sexy. I only said “hardly ever” because a conventionally beautiful woman might read this and be offended. But seriously, if you're of model good looks and reading this, you need to stop thinking that just because you're like that you're sexy. Anyway back to the point.... Mrs Rocker for years and years has tried to figure out what gets girls onto my A-List, I couldn't explain it and neither could she. She would just roll her eyes when she figured I was being irresistibly drawn to a less obvious candidate in a room for conversation and/or flirtation, “Here we go again, another one of Mr Rocker's wacky choices” or “Uh oh, Mr Rocker's found another mad-cap stray to adopt”. They've plotted all over the place in terms of their beauty and intelligence (note- those who read this blog, you are both beautiful and intelligent), so it's neither one of those attributes which is the deal- clincher. So what is it?

Mrs Rocker hit the nail on the head last night when she informed me exactly what it is. They are all women who swim upstream, question or refuse to accept conventional gender stereotypes and live their lives uncompromisingly true to what they believe. That's what gets my hormones racing. Simple as that. I'd never actually figured it out. That a few of them were perhaps a bit wacky, adrift or endured knocks is perhaps a consequence of society dealing harshly with those who live out loud, unconventionally. I've never felt sorry for anybody, I've just adored them for what they are. So here's a shout out to all those girls who question the ego-dominated world we live in and have raged against the Estrogen Mafia who perpetuate female conformance by looking down on, and judging those who don't.

Sometimes love hurts

Of all the emotions we experience as human beings, love has to be the one that brings the most joy to our lives.  We all know people who do not have enough love in their lives or who have had to experience the heartache of a love gone wrong, lost or gone unreturned. It can be absolutely devastating and some people never recover from it.  

The joy that love brings to your life is unequalled.  The overwhelming love that I feel for my children, the love we have for our families and friends or the life-defining love that I have for Mr Rocker - remove any of these from my life and I would be a lesser person.

Experiencing love is made possible by being open to feeling it.   That emotional availability has a flipside – emotional vulnerability.  By being open to love, by its very nature, you open yourself to the possibility of emotional pain.  It is the pain of love that makes some love bad for us.  Being hurt time and time again by those who think they love you and show you that love, can be absolutely soul destroying.  

I love whole-heartedly (I openly acknowledge that I am a person of extremes) and absolutely and as a result I always run the potential of being badly hurt.  I wish I were different.  I look around me and see people who are able to go through their lives on a far more even keel, they have far less of a rollercoaster ride than me. 

Yesterday I had a moment of clarity when I realized that I only get to ride to ride that rollercoaster if I buy a ticket.  I can only be hurt by you if I let you into my heart.  If I choose to NOT be open to your selfish and conditional love then it cannot hurt me.  Lesson learnt.  Taken a while, but learnt all the same. 

You don’t get to hurt me if I don’t keep looking for your love.  Your love is bad for me.  I am no longer buying a ticket.  I don’t actually NEED your love, I thought I wanted it, but hell how it’s hurt.  You don’t get to hurt me anymore.  

If you choose to love me and it’s good and healthy, then my life will be richer for it.  If you cannot give love selflessly and openly, then my life will no poorer.  You, on the other hand, will never get to experience the true joy of love because you have no idea how to give with a free heart, never mind receive. 

Really, we're just friends, there's nothing going on, honestly....

 He says...

In a conformist world, married people are discouraged, forbidden even from having true friendships with members of the opposite sex. It hardly ever happens. There are always barriers to the friendship. As a bloke you may THINK you're friends with your friend's wife, but are you really? Chances are she's an extension of your buddy, somebody who is around when you socialise with him. You may drink together, laugh together, have a really good time together, but can you really sit and do those things one on one, make proper meaningful eye contact and the like? Couples friendly with couples is exactly that, two on two. When the equation changes, the dynamic and friendship changes too and probably fizzles out one way or another.

There may be good reasons for that. How many inter-gender friendships can remain truly platonic? Where there exists attributes that translate to physical desirability in the eye of both beholders, how long before platonic deep friendship breeds chemistry? And then how long before chemistry breeds desire, and so on.

I'm not saying it's all wrong, that Mr Rocker is right and the world should change and we should all be free to pursue as many deep friendships with the opposite sex as humanly possible. That's just not realistic. Jealousy, insecurity, suspicion, dishonourable intent and any number of other negative things will put paid to that. What I am saying though is that having a relationship with Mrs Rocker that is free of jealousy, insecurity, suspicion and dishonourable intent has given me the most amazing opportunity to befriend women in a way that very few married men have had the opportunity to do. And no, I don't mean on a level that leads to having sex with them! It's an awesome thing to be able to converse and interact with women on all levels.

I suspect it's the same for Mrs Rocker. It's a relatively new thing for us as a couple to have this all this freedom to socialise with opposite gender friends, but it really is quite liberating and we always seem to have so much to talk about when one of us has had a night out (or even in) with a good friend.   

Throwing yourself at the ground with the intention of missing

He Says...

Since trumpeting my disdain for the typical male syndrome of liking the thought of landing up in bed with two beautiful women (read it here), without planning it or even trying specifically to achieve it, I've ended up in that situation more than a couple of times. Sheepishly, I now have to consign my casual indifference to the bin. They ARE all that they are cranked up to be, especially if you partake as an unselfish gentleman. But it hasn't changed my views that the desire to have a threesome with two girls should ban you for life from ever having one.

As a kid I read Douglas Adams' “Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy”, there were a few zany funnies that stuck in my head from those books, I thought the Vogon Poetry was really cool, and I also latched on to phrase “the art of flying lies in throwing yourself at the ground with the intention of missing”. Adams probably never meant I the way I took it, but for me it was about the phenomenon of unintended positive consequences. Living as an honourable ego-free gentleman with a good understanding of the thoughts and desires of modern women has given me an awesome life.

Jill

He Says...

Okay... from our posts of last year it might have been apparent that a mixture of a healthy sense of sexual adventure, open mindedness, time and opportunity led to a couple of amazingly fun risqué times. If it feels good, do it again, which we did. As it turns out, repeated intimate encounters with the same person breeds friendship. And here we are.

Mrs Rocker started it! We explored repeated intimacy with a couple of guy friends and then we met Jack. Mrs Rocker has said it all, he's a great guy, easy to have around, sexy beyond belief, makes Mrs Rocker literally weak at the knees and has become a good friend.

I met Jill for the first time 4 years ago. She is a single mother of two awesome girls. Strong, independent, sexy and beautiful. It was apparent to me that Jill is a sexual person, and unashamedly so. Being an unashamedly sexual single woman in a small community takes bravery and attracts not a small amount of knocks, harsh judgement, suspicion and jealousy. Mrs Rocker will tell you all about the doors that close and trials and tribulations of being sexy and single in a small town while I lived away for a year and a half . As we all know it's okay being a single highly-sexed guy in a small environment, but a single gal? Not in this world. Of course that's exactly the kind of injustice that gets Mr Rocker onto his soap box.

For 4 years the most involvement I could have with Jill was to respect her for who she was, greet her on occasion and just enjoy her brightening up our office environment. For honourable people in exclusive relationships, that's where it has to remain. But from a starting point of quiet respect and then admiration for Jill from a distance, the possibility of presenting to her some alternative views on sex, intimacy and sexual equality presented itself, for her to share our world where harsh judgement of sexual forwardness is rare. After 6 months of us exploring sexual intimacy with others, I asked (Mrs Rocker will contend that I begged!) if we could share with Jill some of our ideas about how the world should be. Jill is not the least bit naïve, she knew all about alternative lifestyle views when it comes to sexual freedom, but had never met the right people with whom she felt safe to explore. It's fair to say we shocked the crap out of her by revealing to her a few home-truths about our relationship.

Jill has become the most awesome friend and has enriched our lives way beyond how we ever imagined. For me, respect and admiration became attraction and then adoration.

Love, Laughter and Passion

She says

I have never been big on New Year’s resolutions because I’ve always believed that if you’re relying one day in the year to give you the strength to achieve a goal that you’re setting yourself up for failure before you even begin.  I always however, given thought to the quality of my life and have actively worked on those areas that I felt needed attention.  I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of person so I do not make decisions or resolutions lightly.  At the start of 2012, I decided to adopt a life philosophy more than make resolutions.  My philosophy has been to laugh more, love completely and unconditionally and to do whatever I do with conviction and passion – love, laughter and passion have become my key values.

How many of us can truly say that we laugh enough?  Yes, there’s the odd smirk that moves your lips, but truly laughing and feeling the joy that it brings to your soul is a rare treat.  I set out on a mission to add more laughter to my life. It has been about looking for opportunities to laugh in my everyday life.  I don’t mean the introduction of “artificial” laughter such as that from watching a comedy, but more the heartwarming kind that leaves you feeling satisfied with life long after the noise has subsided.

I choose company and scenarios that are likely to give me the laughter rush and have actively chosen to stay away from those situations that leaving me feeling down.  It has meant seeing less of some friends; who have way too many issues and leave me feeling blue; and more of others.  It is one of the reasons why I love seeing more of Jill than I used to.  She has the most wicked sense of humour and between her, Mr Rocker and their witty banter, my laughter needs are being more than being met….. It has also been amazing that the more I laugh, the more others laugh with me.  The world just seems a happier place.

Love I don’t even need to explain, I have so many different forms of love in my life that I will be eternally grateful.  From my children, to Mr Rocker, my friends and family, the list just goes on and on.

Passion has been a challenge.  I don’t mean the sexual kind, though I am lucky enough to have plenty in my life.  This is about living my life with conviction - feeling both the good and the bad.  Not just letting things go without conscious assessment of the implications. 

I have always hidden away from confrontation and even at those times in my life where I have been devastatingly hurt  and others have been in the wrong, I have swallowed my feelings - let it go when I could, at other times it festered into deep resentment.  I would apologise (even if it wasn’t my fault) so that nobody would get angry.  Resentment is a destructive and ugly emotion that eats away at any joy in your life.  It makes you bitter.   I have come to realize though that in order to live with conviction, I need to feel all the emotions that come my way and deal with them accordingly. 

I have never allowed myself to feel and deal with anger.  I grew up with an abusive father whose temper was so destructive that a raised voice, until recently, could shrivel me instantly.  It has taken me 39 years to allow myself to embrace anger as not only a necessary emotion, but also as a healthy one.  I have promised myself though that I will not allow it to destroy others as my father’s has.  I am still learning to include it in my repetoire and as with any new skill, there are times when it is exercised better than others.  I have had one episode of anger of which I am deeply ashamed because of the way it has made someone else feel.  I hope that my apologies and bumbled explanations have been enough to turn it into something constructive, but only time will tell. 

I have not turned into a raging lunatic, I am still just learning to moderate my responses.  Whereas previously I would have suppressed the emotion entirely and it became sadness or hurt, I now try to give it some perspective and if it’s anger I feel, I allow myself to go there.  It’s about giving back the baggage instead of carrying it!  I should’ve learnt this skill with my father years ago.

So far the philosophy is working well for me.  Mr Rocker has seen the impact that this new approach has had on me.  Our children have too, even if there’s a lot of teenage eye-rolling at the mention of passion!

Getting the facts straight

She says…..

Now that Mr Rocker has not so gently alluded to the fact that our relationship has been “extended” somewhat, let’s not beat around the bush any longer.

Yes, we still adore each other. 

No, we are no longer mutually exclusive or monogamist. 

No, we are not in any danger of falling apart.

No, it’s not cheap or trashy or sordid. 

Yes, we are totally discreet and not forcing our unusual lifestyle choice on anyone.

Yes, we are still one of the strongest couples we know.

These are the facts:

We both have a significant other in our lives.  Let’s call them Jack and Jill for simplicity’s sake.  We all know each other and get along famously. We spend time together, Jack and Jill play golf together while Mr Rocker and I have a cuddle.  Nothing has changed about us except for the fact that we both have other partners who have added much joy, humour and passion to our lives.

I have known Jack for eight months.  We literally met across a crowded room and made contact a few days later.  The attraction was instant. Have you ever met someone or made eye contact with them and felt that kind of attraction?  In the “ordinary” world I have, but you brush this aside as it’s not acceptable to act upon it if you’re married.  Suddenly, given the level of freedom and trust that Mr Rocker and I have bestowed upon each other, this overwhelming attraction was there for me to take hold of and see where it goes.  And boy, has it gone places…..

Jack is an absolute gentleman - funny, entertaining, kind and hellishly sexy. Him and Mr Rocker have become firm mates too - what more could a girl ask for?  I am lucky enough to be involved with two of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet.

If I am so happy with Mr Rocker, you may ask, why do I have this other man in my life?  Good question.  The answer?  Because I can!  Loving somebody enough to set them free to other emotional attachments is a foreign concept to many (who am I kidding, foreign to most) but it has been a totally liberating experience.  Jack knows me as no one other than for the woman he saw and was attracted to.  No other perceptions of me, no other roles in my life to consider, just pure attraction and affection.  He asks nothing of me except my time and to have fun with him.   He also is hugely respectful of my life and especially my relationship with Mr Rocker.  Any involvement with him would not be possible if he were any kind of threat to what Mr Rocker and I share. Mr Rocker is my partner for life, and what a wonderful life it is.

We have known Jill for a number of years.  She has always been on the periphery of our circle of friends and she and I had business dealings.  If I’d been the one choosing a partner for Mr Rocker, which I certainly did not, a warmer, more free-spirited and fun person I could never have found.  They have the most amazing chemistry.  Watching it, it’s almost as if you can reach out and touch it.  If we could bottle it, we’d be millionaires!  An evening spent with them always leaves me with cheeks aching from laughter.  

Jill is truly special and I’m proud to call her my friend.  She has brought out the carefree, fun-loving man that I met and fell in love with all those years ago but who has also become my husband, father of my children and business partner.  Every one of those roles has its responsibilities and these of necessity change our relationship with our loved ones.  He is no less the man I love, but Jill has given him back his passion.  She asks absolutely nothing of him other than to treat her well, laugh with her and keep the good times coming.  He adores her and she feels exactly the same about him. 

I have no doubt that Mr Rocker will be posting in response to this and his perceptions will give more insight into this unusual arrangement. 

I also have no doubt that we will be hearing from shocked friends (who have known nothing of this).  All I ask is that you tread lightly friends, this is not for everyone, but it works for us. 

When these relationships end, Mr Rocker and I will be there to comfort each other and see what happens next.

Monogamish.....

 He says.....

Two years of bumbling around in Blog Land, debating issues of sexual freedom and equality, preaching the gospel of passion and shouting out the principle of loving somebody so much that you set them free.... then along comes just about the most insightful but succint paragraph of a blog I've ever read, written by a most remarkable person in an awesome blog that Mrs Rocker follows called From Near The Moon. You can read it here. A post from 17 April (see it here) so brilliant that it woke me from my blogging slumber. I love it all the more because it's a non-conventional view expressed by a non-conventional woman...

…...“My friend hit the nail square on the head when she said “in order to grow, you have to change all the time…. while monogamy and procreation require stability and sameness”.  In order for relationships to last do we not sacrifice our own growth as humans, isn’t that too high a price to pay?  Unless you are with someone that thinks about it the same way as you do and you allow each other the freedom to grow and change without judgment or resentment and total acceptance at some point you grow apart, you change and things are not the same.  But we have been programmed to believe, to want a single person to “belong” to us for the rest of our lives.  We buy into the white picket fence theory.  Marriage is a man made institution in my opinion.  The expectation and iron cast commitment that comes with that is a heavy burden to carry.  It doesn’t leave room for growth, for change, for any kind of personal freedom.  It requires a conformity, sacrifice and a long life walked on a rigidly straight line."

Amen to that. You can't add anything to those brilliant words. You have to just savour them like a fine single-malt scotch whisky, believe them and live them. Besides the wisdom and remarkable common sense, isn't it a fact that humans were genetically and anatomically programmed to be serial non-monogamists?

Setting the scene

She says...

As with most things in life, great sex takes a little planning and prioritising.  

The timing needs to be right, the mood needs to be set and all possible interferences need to be avoided.  Having said that, there are so many demands on any couple’s time that sometimes it simply does not work out.  With all the issues that modern couples face, it’s little wonder that there are so many couples in dire need of rescuing from mediocre / non-existent sex lives. Show me a happy couple and I can almost guarantee that their bedroom has been lovingly taken care of.  As we are all permanently short of time, maintaining a bedroom that is conducive to a healthy sexual environment means that you only have to look after the mood and  the interferences (insert children’s names here!).

Who would want to get intimate in that mess?

Mr Rocker and I have always, mostly at my insistence, had a bedroom that was our space, and our space alone.  Our children, even as tiny babies, needed to be desperately ill before we either had one of them in our bed or one of us left to sleep in their rooms.  Our bedroom has always been a space reserved entirely for us as a couple.  It has never been a shared family space – that is what the living areas are for.  It is the area in the house in which we are purely a man and a woman.  Behind its doors we become two individuals in an intimate relationship and our bedroom is a reflection of that ideal. 

That's more like it, tidy and serene.... and very grown up

Dr Phil (gotta love Oprah re-runs) said that a couple’s boudoir should only ever be a reflection of them as individuals or sensual beings, not as parents, hobby enthusiasts etc.  Your bedroom needs to reflect only those activities that pertain to you as healthy sexual beings – it needs to provide the backdrop for your sexual relationship. It does not need to be a costly exercise (although the best linen you can afford is worth sacrificing for), simply removing the excess clutter, the family photographs and the exercise equipment, will have a profound effect on how you feel about yourself (and hence your confidence) when you are in that space.  You ideally should do nothing in your bedroom except dress, sleep and be intimate. I could think of nothing worse than looking up at photographs of my children or my mother-in-law whilst in the throes of passion.  Talk about a passion-killer!

Try it.  It has always worked for us. When I close the bedroom door, I am nothing more than a woman that Mr Rocker loves and has a good time with – all other demands on me and my time are left on the outside.  Imagine how the effects of focusing solely on your partner can impact upon your intimacy –  in short, you’re saying “right now, behind this door, you are my world”.

Can I turn it back or outrun it?

She says….

Time. 

Amazing how such a small word, really - it only has four letters, can have such influence in our lives.

I have never heard someone say that they have enough time in their lives to achieve all that they need/want to.  It is the background against which we lead our lives – think about how time rules your life – watches, alarm clocks, diaries, calendars.  They all form such a fundamental backdrop to our lives.  Now, don’t get me wrong, my life just wouldn’t work without some kind of scheduling.   I am less concerned about controlling the minutes that make up my hours / days / weeks than I am about how the years and decades are racing by.

Now I know that years are made up of days and weeks but hell, how quickly are these years passing by? I am now staring 40 squarely in the face.  Where did my life go? I remember distinctly the day Mr Rocker and I got together 24 years ago, fresh-faced kids who had no idea where that first kiss would lead.  It turned out to be the defining moment of my life.  Fast forward 24 years and here we are – two middle-aged people.

I will be the first to put up my hand and say that I am totally freaked out by ageing.  I have no fear of dying, but getting old terrifies me.  And, as with all fears, we try to control them.  Regrettably, no matter how hard I try, I cannot run away from the fact (and evidence) that I am getting old.

Call me a lookist, I accept that, but dear glory, I am not ready to accept that face staring back at me in the mirror.  Not a day of my life goes by that I don’t look in the mirror and wish for the years to miraculously drop off my face.  Now save me the platitudes about it happening to everybody, that simply doesn’t work for me.  I hate the fact that I AM GETTING OLD.  My skin is not what it used to be, I’m physically tired and my body looks its age.  No matter how much I sleep, how many lotions and potions I apply, kilometers I run or kg’s I lift, reality is that I am ageing.  I work hard at maintaining my health, I eat well, exercise regularly, try to get enough sleep and control my stress levels yet gravity is not having any of it. 

The reality is simple – I am nearly 40 years old and I can’t accept it.  Last week a friend commented that “it’s so nice to see you’re aging naturally and haven’t succumbed to trying to fight your age”. I am still trying to come to terms with the statement – does he mean that I really do look nearly 40 and there’s no denying it or is he complimenting me? 

In the meantime, I am saving for some repair work with a very kind plastic surgeon whom I consulted last week.