We're there

She says...


Wow, what a weekend.  


Mr Rocker walked through the arrivals' doors at the airport and I had butterflies in my tummy.  It was so wonderful to see him after two weeks and that feeling just stayed with us all weekend.  We had time alone too so it was a good balance - loads of time to reload the "spank bank" and plot and scheme.  We find talking about sex almost as exciting as the act, just as well considering how much time we have spent apart!  It is this rekindling of intimacy that has got the Rockers rocking.  To say that this weekend was awesome is understating it somewhat.  Our mojo's are back with a vengence! Watch this space, you're bound to get to read the effects of the prodigal libidos. We stayed at our friends' homes so there was no hotel sex, sorry Mrs Pervert. Good sex, but not with the wild abandon of an anonymous room.


We spent time with old friends, celebrated a birthday and chatted for hours.  There's just something about being around a dinner table with a full tummy and a good bottle of wine, catching up on each other's lives. In fact, chatting around the dinner table is one of my favourite places to be. Considering that we were all footloose and fancy free in one city ten years ago, we all live in different cities (and country for us) and our lives have all moved one.  The shared history is still there though and it's a good base for laughs and friendship. 


Now that we are home, it feels as if we're on honeymoon. We've had quiet dinners for two and enjoyed every moment of it being just the two of us - not to say that we don't miss the kids, but we've decided to make the most of the situation and focus on the positives instead of wallowing in the melancholy that the kids' absence has left in our lives. It is truly amazing to be able to have an uninterrupted conversation as two adults. 


So, dear followers, we thank you for your loyalty during the "dry" spell but we promise to entertain you once more now that we're more "together".

Getting there

She says...


The past month has been a tough one and I'm not sure that I ever want January 2011 back again.  The Rockers are now split across three different cities, Mr in one, the kids in another and me in a third. Totally ridiculous but the end is in sight.  Tomorrow is Mr Rocker's last working day at his current workplace and then he moves back to our home country full-time.  To say that I am excited about the prospect of waking up next to him every day is the understatement of the year.  He's been away for two weeks and tomorrow I get to see him for the first time.  I cannot wait to see him, I get butterflies in my tummy just thinking about my first glimpse of him.


We are both doing better and coming to grips with the emotional rollercoaster of sending our children away. The kids are doing well at their new schools and settling into the routine of boarding. At home, we're having to settle into the life of not having them around - I still rush home from work and when I get here I wonder what why I was racing to be home.  Makes no sense and I realise that it will take a little time for me to "unlearn" my "mom" behaviour as that has been fundamental to my life for the past 13 years.


We're going away this weekend, just Mr Rocker and I, to (try) have some fun and remind ourselves of how hedonistic life was before we had kids - dinners with friends, sleeping late, nursing hangovers, long boozey lunches and general "misbehaviour". Also going to see U2 in concert, it's been a long time since they played in Africa and as avid fans, we'll be behaving like wild teenagers - I will at least, Mr Rocker maybe not. 


We're trying to get rocking again, it's important to us and we really need to keep our readers coming back for more of our crackpot theories.  So watch this space, the Rockers are hoping to be back in full force soon.

All on my own

She says...


I have been on my own since last Tuesday.  Mr Rocker is working away and the children are at school.  It is the first time since our 13 year old was born that I have been completely on my own. The work days seem to pass by relatively quickly and the evenings are short - I get in quite late, make something to eat, maybe do some work that I've brought home and before you know it, it's time for bed.


The weekends are another story though.  I planned activities to keep myself occupied - Saturday was split between pampering sessions (at the hair salon and the beauty parlour) and work.  Our factory was running on Saturday in order to deliver on a tight deadline so someone had to oversee it.  Luckily I was able to pop in at various times during the day to keep an eye on production and still have my pampering done.  


Saturday evening I spent with friends having a barbeque overlooking the most beautiful lake - they really are very fortunate to wake up to that stunning vista every morning.  The Fish Eagles flew overhead and we were kept entertained by a Yellow-billed Kite swooping down to catch a field mouse.  It was all very idyllc.  Yet, despite the good company and stunning location, there was just something missing. I have been to loads of events/outings without my man over the years due to the huge amount of travelling that he has been forced to do but somehow last night was different.  I felt his absence so keenly that I regretted having accepted the invitation.  Don't ask me why I felt different, I have no idea.  I knew that he was somewhere where he was needed far more than I needed him to be with me (he was visiting our children) and I was happy that he was with our children.  But, and there is always a but, I missed him dreadfully. 


I have come to realise that in the anguish that the separation from the children has brought on, I want nothing more than to be home and close to the person who completes me and with whom my soul finds peace. Mr Rocker is able, through his mere presence, to bring perspective to my life and without saying a word calms my fears.  I regret that at 38 years old I am still not able to bring on that calm state of being for myself but that I am reliant on someone else to help me achieve that.  


I realise that I am not a self-contained person and perhaps it's not too late to make a resolution that in 2011 I will find a way to peace on my own. I would really like to be different because neediness does not sit well with me.  

Only another week to go....

Ladies, take over the porn industry, please!

The Rockers have an empty house, a sex drive that's recovering from a recent trauma, a home theatre with a massively big screen, comfortable rug, and unfortunately, with few exceptions- BAD porn.

Please guys, we need a league of women mobilised on a righteous crusade for more balanced porn. We all know that the biggest market out there is the male consumer, and that brings with it all the stereotypical male fantasies hard-coded into virtually every movie out there, mostly centred around domination (at best) and selfish male enjoyment, or borderline humiliation (at worst). And we all know (okay well at least I do) there is a fine line between taking control and dominating.  It's a fine line guys tread every day of their lives- when to take control, how hard to push and suggest, when to duck to avoid the incoming slap for having over-stepped the mark or face the ice hanging off the ceiling because you didn't read the signs and push hard enough.

It's not as if women don't like porn, they like it just as much as men, (amazing considering the crappy porn they are served up) and especially when it's enjoyed with their Significant Others. So then why is virtually all the porn out there so appallingly bad and scripted as if there would be not a woman on the other side of a screen trying to get her head around the logic or likely reality of every scene ending in a facial cum-shot? Consumerism is a bugger we're all stuck with, unfortunately,. But really guys, how about some BALANCE and maybe even a bit of REALITY and perhaps even acknowledgement that sex is a TWO WAY thing and women, on average, are more likely to actually enjoy considerably different scenarios to the ones played out in your average porn flick. Now I'm not suggesting that every porn movie be scripted around a dinner out with champagne and flowers, followed by tender candlelit love-making in an elegantly-decorated room. I think I know enough about women to know that they prefer their porn a little more upbeat than that, All I'm saying is how about depicting women genuinely enjoying themselves because they are in control of their own destiny and the centre of respectful, adoring attention, be that in a one-on-one situation, or something a little more... well, crowded. That simple formula, and more balanced ones like it, to my way of thinking is not a big ask. So why the hell hasn't somebody twigged that porn sales could practically double if you get it right? So I call to arms progressively-minded women who are sick of crappy egotistical porn, to take back what should be theirs too- A porn studio with balanced scripts, produced by women, not necessarily for women, but at the very least not against women.

So who's in?

Or put me out of me (and Mrs Rocker's) misery and tell me where all the good porn is. PLEEEAAASE!

The Rockers Need You.

Bloggers-block

He says...

Okay, I'm just putting it out there- the events of January so far (with the exception the delicious beach holiday at the beginning of it) have taken their toll on Mr Rocker too. In no particular order- the loss of my beloved booze-cruise drinking barge in a catastrophic flood on our beautiful river, a sick beloved family pet, loss of a key member of my staff to my arch business rival, difficulties with my father, and of course the gut-wrenching trauma of the empty nest and saying goodbye to our children and living through (particularly) our daughter's difficulties in settling into her new school life. Mr Rocker hasn't been rocking, and to top it all is on another bout of crazy travel that sees me home for just one weekend between now and the end of February. So much more than blogger's block, I'm suffering from EVERYTHING block.

Friends

She says...


As you may be aware, I am somewhat traumatised by the separation from my children.  Please save me from re-hashing all those horrible feelings all over again as I've had to do so through countless telephone calls and cannot stand to do so again.  Read my previous post and save me some tears.


The last two days though have gone a long way toward restoring my faith in friendship.  I have always valued my friends and treasured their time but as in most things these days, the demands of life have taken their toll on my relationships with my girlfriends.  We have not kept in touch as much as we should have and I'm always regretful that I don't make time for them. Fact is though that we're all as busy as each other and while we mean to stay in touch and really do mean it when we say "we must get together for a coffee/drink" etc, we generally allow our friendships to slide down to the bottom of the list because there are just too many demands on our time.  I find that the friendships that I am best at maintaining at the moment are those that I can read - friends who have blogs or who email.  This is not because I don't want to chat to my friends face-to-face but because either we're on opposite sides of the globe or because the first opportunity I get to chat is well after any respectable person's bedtime.  I am very grateful for my blog buddies who are in different time zones as it means they're available when I'm finally ready to chill and catch up.


Mr Rocker is away at the moment.  He's bringing home to the bacon as usual but it means that at a time when we're both emotionally fragile we're apart.   It is not of his own choice, believe me.  


The past few days have restored my faith in friendship.  I have had friends call me up and offer me a drink, dinner or a bit of company and I am very touched by their efforts.  I could be out every night for the next fortnight if I accept the invitations!  Either I still look totally crap with swollen eyes or they genuinely care.  At this stage I'm choosing to believe that they care.  Thank you dear friends for the calls and the emails. You make me feel less alone in the world and if all the good karma you're sending out works, my kids should be settled and happy at school very soon and the Rockers will be right back in the saddle.


Lesson learnt, if you let people love you or help you, they will be there for you. 

When Moms and Dads cry

She says....


We're back, feels like a lifetime ago since we locked up our house, loaded up our vacation things and set off on a family holiday.


We spent a glorious nine days on a beautiful, wild stretch of coast in South Africa.  We holidayed with our good friends, a family whose children were also due back at boarding school and a fun time was had by all. Fantastic walks and runs on the beach, way too much alcohol some (most) days and the view was simply stunning. To wake up to dolphins swimming just in front of the house is a real treat.


All too soon though, it came to an end and we had the daunting task of taking our children to school.  New, separate schools for both of them. This is scary in itself, now add the whole boarding school in another country into the equation and it's just damn terrifying.  Our children, who are 13 and 10, were absolute stars and faced this task with courage and fortitude, some trepidation of course, but on the whole you wouldn't find two more confident children.  Mom and Dad, too, with trepidation, and Mom certainly, with a whole lot less bravery.  


Why, you may ask, have we sent our children to boarding school?  The answer is simple, we live in Africa and sometimes the best schools are across the border.  South Africa has an excellent private school system to rival the top schools in many first world countries but in order to take advantage of this, our children have to board.  We will see them every three weeks in order to make this bearable for all of us.  Our teenager had no option as he is due to start high-schooling, our daughter, though, chose to go at the same time as her brother. They are close, despite the endless squabbling, and she couldn't bear to be left behind while he went off to this glamorous new lifestyle of flying home, being independent and experiencing all sorts of adventures.


The preparation for this change was the easy part, numerous trips to SA to purchase uniforms, interviews, checking lists, marking items of clothing etc. What we had no preparation for was the absolute torturous hell of leaving our kids there and driving away.  Our eldest, as you may have read, is a confident, savvy, teenage boy. He has taken this on the chin, seems to be having a good time and is settling well.  Our darling daughter, another story.  She is so young and so emotional.  I think that being a girl has added to the emotional rollercoaster.  I'm not saying that boys don't have emotions, I think that in the dead of night our son is as homesick as she is but she just cannot hide how she feels.


The tears started before we left and saying goodbye to her and driving away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  We said our farewells and Mr Rocker and I got into the car.  I've never cried so hard in my life.  We have spent the last three days living in a sort of funk where the hurt and absolute desperation to get back into the car and drive through the night to fetch them has been almost unbearable.  With Mr Rocker in the same painful space as me, I wish I could take his hurt away, but only time can do that. Being held in his arms has been my only comfort.  


In the rational part of my brain, the part got me through the dreadful separation and loneliness of 2010, I know that we are doing the best for our children - our home country simply does not have schooling of this calibre.  My heart though does not always listen to my brain and I am still trying to get it to catch up.  A sort of dull ache has settled in my chest and at times still overwhelms me.  The house is just so quiet (and tidy!) and the silence is driving me insane.  I am very, very grateful that I have a demanding job that awaits me and a new business that we can throw our all into, it's just the distraction and motivation (you should see the school fees!) that we need.


So, dear readers, the Rockers are not quite rocking.  We are still licking our wounds and trying to get our new, mostly-childless life on track.  

Reason for the silence...

Excuse us while we recharge our batteries...

Why we blog...

He says...

The Rocker's blog has been bouncing around, perhaps slowly assuming some common themes. We look around us and we see so many couples where the fire has gone out. The interest in each other has all but died, and with it the acknowledgement of themselves as sexual beings. At best, we see couples settling into a kind of passionless pragmatic coexistence of convenience. And we look at this and we question why couples are like that and why we are different and what did we do differently to be highly sexed and into each other in a very big way? So I guess, some of what we post relates to how we keep the Vixen's flames fanned and the Lion roaring.

We think that maybe we have something to say that may be important. We think that maybe if even one young couple read the bits of the blog and question where they are going in this life with each other they may be aware of the creeping lethargy, indifference and loss of passion and do something about it before its too late.

I don't enjoy blogging as much as I do examining the world of sexual politics from an oblique angle and deriving alternative viewpoints that sound like they've been fermented by a rabid feminist on a crusade to win back sexual rights and power, rather than a beer-swilling, testosterone-charged man such as myself. I've always suspected that I think a little differently to many, if not most men. My relationship quest has always been to find a way to live unselfishly, but in a way that still stokes the testosterone which defines me as healthily libidinous male. And I think I found that path to tread and its worked out well and results in me getting lots of great sex. Maybe what this blog is about too- thumbing my nose at my own ego, and encouraging other men to do so too. Learning how to wear it lightly and keep it where it doesn't detract from other people's quality-of-life and in so doing, even in a paradoxically selfish kind of way, maximises the pleasure of the male existence.

2010 – the year that was

She says….

I’m not a particularly reflective kind of person but 2010 was such a momentous year for us as a couple, and more especially, for me as an individual, that it’s important to remember the lessons learnt.  This is going to be a long and rambling post, so get yourself a drink and make yourself comfortable.

Physical distance and emotional distance are two very different things

Mr Rocker and I spent most of the year apart physically but emotionally we’ve never been closer. Taking on the challenge of working in different countries was not something that we entered into lightly and I faced criticism from all sides because I didn’t give up my career to follow him to his work destination.  The reality is that it just didn’t make sense either from a financial point of view or in terms of our long-term goals. It would have meant giving up on our business interests in our country of residence for a contract position in another country.  Our close friends and family also don’t buy into the concept of my career having significance in relation to my husband’s – he is our breadwinner and as such I should follow him.  The reality is that I love what I do and I have very good long term prospects. They chose to see me as selfish when it was a decision made by BOTH of us based on values that are important to BOTH of us. Don’t you just hate patriarchal societies?

I have never felt more connected to Mr Rocker than I have this year and I’ve never felt more loved.  I know enough couples who wake up next to their loved ones every morning to know that I am incredibly lucky. I am loved with a passion that is so fierce and so tender all at the same time. I am proud to say that we do not take each other for granted and that we love our time together.  Yes, others see us as being wrapped up in each other, sometimes to their exclusion, but so be it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.  We have also probably had more sex (mind-blowing and in quantity) than most of the couples we know!  Not bad for a couple that reside in separate countries let alone separate beds!

If you look after your body it will treat you right

I have had an undiagnosed medical condition for many years. The symptoms come and go and whilst we have tried to manage it, and have done so quite well, it has never had a label.  This year a diagnosis has been made after a lucky visit to a different doctor, who immediately knew what I was talking about and viola! My quality of life has improved overnight.

I have spent most of the last 10 years having health issues – I have had episodes of unconsciousness that have been suspected strokes, migraines, diabetic comas, brain tumours.  These “attacks” would be scary, sporadic and no doctor seemed to have a clue as to what was causing them. We became quite matter of fact about them and figured it was just something we had to live with. My new doctor however, during a visit for something completely unrelated, started asking questions about things that were completely unconnected in my mind.  In his however, it all made perfect sense.  I have what is called the “Metabolic Syndrome” and the overriding factor is that I am insulin-resistant.  All these years I have been having blood sugar lows because my body produces too much insulin. A change in diet and I’m a new person. 

If I have one wish for 2011, it is to get out the message of insulin-resistance.  It is a form of type 2 diabetes that is mostly undiagnosed because diabetes diagnosis is based on blood glucose levels.  While my blood glucose levels have always been low to normal, the reality is that my insulin has been dangerously high.  Insulin-resistance results in type 2 Diabetes Mellitis over time as it causes the pancreas to fail and the result is insulin dependence.  By following a strict diet of NO carbs and NO sugar, I have turned back the effects of my insulin resistance and I feel wonderful.  I have no more sugar highs or lows, I have no sweet cravings, I sleep well and I have more energy than I know what to do with (although Mr Rocker tries to help!).  If you think that this condition will never affect you, think again.  I am not obese, I exercise regularly and I had been eating a reasonable diet for many years.  Please, please, please, if you’re having a medical for any reason, ask for your insulin to be checked, not only your blood sugar. It could save your life down the line.

I am also, for the first time in about 10 years, not going into the new year with the resolution to lose 5kgs because I’ve more than kicked that one into touch!  I’m stronger, fitter and healthier than I have ever been. It's tough knowing that I will never eat another chocolate brownie but so be it, some things are worth the sacrifice.

Accepting offers of help does not mean weakness

I am a perfectionist, a control freak and fiercely independent.

This year has been a very trying one professionally as the worldwide economic recession made its effects felt in my industry. It’s been a stressful year and I’ve had to be more focused on work than ever before.  Couple that with the single parenting of two kids, a demanding home and you have a recipe for madness.   Feeling out of control is something I abhor and I have felt like I’ve been walking a tight rope all year.

Our children are awesome kids – bright, well-spoken, achievers.  I would not have made it through 2010 and the kids would not have excelled as they have, if it were not for the influential role that outsiders have played in their lives.  Our friends and business partners, the D’s, stepped up to the plate and not only supported me in my lonely times, but attended school functions, yelled on the sidelines at swimming galas and fed us on a number of occasions where I’ve been working horrid hours.  I could not have made it without their love and support. I have also been dragged to functions on my own that I would not ordinarily have attended solo but they took care of me and I am very grateful for the fun we’ve had although maybe not so grateful for the dreadful hangovers.

Our son had the privilege of a wonderful teacher who became his mentor and moral compass this last year. A truly great educator whose impact on our son has resulted in him being offered a place in a very prestigious school, not underestimating my son’s worth in any way, but the influence of this teacher made a huge difference in our lives.  He understood that although I desperately wanted to be more involved at the school I actually just did not have enough hours in the day. In a school where parental involvement is loudly demanded, I felt under scrutiny for not being more available to my children.  This teacher never once judged me, Mr Rocker or our unusual lifestyle (our living arrangement is not considered normal where we live). He helped us make the best of the year and our son is well on the road to being a fairly decent grown-up.  Thank you, GK – sometimes your standards were scarily high but it was worth it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Much of the communication between the Rockers this year has had to be electronic, be it telephone calls, Skype or email.  It’s amazing how distance magnifies every little nuance in voice tone or the written word.  When you’re feeling lonely and miss someone so much that it physically hurts in your chest, every little breath, utterance or silence is loaded.  Learning to look beyond all of that and just accepting that you’re being overly analytical has been a huge achievement for me. Fighting long distance sucks because you don’t get to have make up sex, so luckily we just didn’t fight. A misunderstanding or two, but nothing damaging.

You cannot be everything to everybody

I have spent my whole life trying to be the best wife, mother, friend, daughter, homemaker, employee, you name it. This year I realized that that is just not possible. I strive for significance now. “Will this matter in 6 months?” has become my motto.  If it doesn’t, leave it. Learning to cut myself some slack and when to say NO have been valuable lessons.  There are only three people in this world whose opinions count and they all live under the same roof as me, and share the same family name.

So, all of this being said, what do I want out of 2011?  I want the sacrifice of this last year to have been worth it. I want our businesses to succeed, I want to stare at my man every morning, I want my children to be happy and stimulated at their new school and most of all, I want to add value and meaning to the lives of those I love.

To all of you, I wish you a year where your hard work is rewarded, your love is returned and that you’re able to make your good luck instead of it having to find you. Best wishes for 2011.