When Moms and Dads cry

She says....


We're back, feels like a lifetime ago since we locked up our house, loaded up our vacation things and set off on a family holiday.


We spent a glorious nine days on a beautiful, wild stretch of coast in South Africa.  We holidayed with our good friends, a family whose children were also due back at boarding school and a fun time was had by all. Fantastic walks and runs on the beach, way too much alcohol some (most) days and the view was simply stunning. To wake up to dolphins swimming just in front of the house is a real treat.


All too soon though, it came to an end and we had the daunting task of taking our children to school.  New, separate schools for both of them. This is scary in itself, now add the whole boarding school in another country into the equation and it's just damn terrifying.  Our children, who are 13 and 10, were absolute stars and faced this task with courage and fortitude, some trepidation of course, but on the whole you wouldn't find two more confident children.  Mom and Dad, too, with trepidation, and Mom certainly, with a whole lot less bravery.  


Why, you may ask, have we sent our children to boarding school?  The answer is simple, we live in Africa and sometimes the best schools are across the border.  South Africa has an excellent private school system to rival the top schools in many first world countries but in order to take advantage of this, our children have to board.  We will see them every three weeks in order to make this bearable for all of us.  Our teenager had no option as he is due to start high-schooling, our daughter, though, chose to go at the same time as her brother. They are close, despite the endless squabbling, and she couldn't bear to be left behind while he went off to this glamorous new lifestyle of flying home, being independent and experiencing all sorts of adventures.


The preparation for this change was the easy part, numerous trips to SA to purchase uniforms, interviews, checking lists, marking items of clothing etc. What we had no preparation for was the absolute torturous hell of leaving our kids there and driving away.  Our eldest, as you may have read, is a confident, savvy, teenage boy. He has taken this on the chin, seems to be having a good time and is settling well.  Our darling daughter, another story.  She is so young and so emotional.  I think that being a girl has added to the emotional rollercoaster.  I'm not saying that boys don't have emotions, I think that in the dead of night our son is as homesick as she is but she just cannot hide how she feels.


The tears started before we left and saying goodbye to her and driving away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  We said our farewells and Mr Rocker and I got into the car.  I've never cried so hard in my life.  We have spent the last three days living in a sort of funk where the hurt and absolute desperation to get back into the car and drive through the night to fetch them has been almost unbearable.  With Mr Rocker in the same painful space as me, I wish I could take his hurt away, but only time can do that. Being held in his arms has been my only comfort.  


In the rational part of my brain, the part got me through the dreadful separation and loneliness of 2010, I know that we are doing the best for our children - our home country simply does not have schooling of this calibre.  My heart though does not always listen to my brain and I am still trying to get it to catch up.  A sort of dull ache has settled in my chest and at times still overwhelms me.  The house is just so quiet (and tidy!) and the silence is driving me insane.  I am very, very grateful that I have a demanding job that awaits me and a new business that we can throw our all into, it's just the distraction and motivation (you should see the school fees!) that we need.


So, dear readers, the Rockers are not quite rocking.  We are still licking our wounds and trying to get our new, mostly-childless life on track.