What is a goddess without a god?

Today I was walking behind a man who has the sexiest rear view I've seen in a long time.  Tight ass, awesome, well-toned legs. Awesome in a pair of jeans, took another look, sorry, couldn't help myself.  One of those "ooh, aah, imagine that"-kind of looks.  Realised just how lucky I am.  You see, that awesome rear view is the lower half of my man (the top half isn't bad either, if that's what's going through your mind).  I get to feel that butt and rub my hands over those thighs whenever the whim takes me (and it takes me often!).  I am so grateful that my dh takes care of himself, exercises, keeps his grooming in check without being obsessive.  Now, I know, looks aren't everything, but when they're coupled with a brain and heart like his, the possibilities are endless. 

It freaks me out that if a woman gains weight or maybe lets the grooming slip that society is very quick to use it as justification if her man strays.  We're far more forgiving of a man who is rounder in the middle or badly groomed.  Why?  It's insulting to your partner (whichever one you are) if you couldn't be bothered to keep yourself in the best shape that you can.  I'm not saying be obsessive, I'm saying be realistic.  Love yourself if you want others to love you.  Desire yourself if you want to be desired.

Honey, you really are the god to my goddess.   

The Modern Mom

Okay, I know it's been a while since I posted but life has a way of catching up with you.  Reality tends to bite quite hard at times - juggling it all can require the precision of a knife thrower to prevent the knives from stabbing you one by one. 

I know very few people these days who do not have hectic lives and I have to ask myself if the concept of a breadwinner who comes home every night to the picket-fence, 2 kids, a wholesome meal and the family dog lying in wait, is an an outdated one.  If that is standard to which all modern families should aspire, this family is losing the battle dismally.  Aproximately 70% of the time, a parent is away from home on business travel, the wholesome meals are more of a weekend thing and the kids have learnt to supervise their own homework.  How sad is all of that?  I'm beginning to think that, as my mother keeps reminding me, "you girls just can't have it all".  I, of course, being the rebel, tend to say, "hey, why not?"  It is only at times like these that I think she may be right.  Something has to give.

Will it be me who says "okay, enough" and downscales my career or will it be my husband who compromises on his.  The reality is that neither of us can, either due to financial commitments or because we want to.  The saddest part of the whole debate, is that in 2010, 90% of people will still think that my career should take a back seat to my husband's career. Luckily, he doesn't see it that way.

The guilt that comes with knowing that our children probably don't get the kind of attention that other children do, with their wonderfully child-centred families, makes some days really tough.  Would I change it all for the sake of my children?  Hell no.  I want my kids to realise that nothing comes without hard work and sacrifice.  Especially my daughter.  I want her to know that she can demand to have her own identity and still have a loving family, if that is what she chooses.  My son needs to know that family responsibility beyond providing funds, is his responsibility too. Whoever is free does the shopping or starts the dinner.  No defined roles in this family - maybe only emptying the bin  but even that I'll do if I have to.

Does my non-compromising attitude make me the odd one in society's eyes? Maybe, probably.  But I need my own identity.  It is not good enough for me anymore to be someone's wife and someone's mother.  I need to be me too.  And me works horrible hours, deals with crap a good chunk of the day and isn't available to my loved ones at the drop of a hat.  Me is also fun though, gives it my all in my marriage, with my kids and at work.  Me sometimes has the untidy house, the kiddies birthday gift bought on the way to the party and the less-than-perfect grooming but it's still me.

The Goddess has left

This week has just been one of those that has sapped all my energy. 

Work is hectic, I deal with endless queries and situations that no one either wants to or is able to resolve.  I have way too many direct reports who look to me to solve everything. Being the boss really isn't all it's cracked up to be..

We're trying to settle back into the school routine which requires mornings that are so early it's ludicrous.  And I'm NOT a morning person unless it's to have a bonk through bleary eyes!

Having issues with one my parents that makes me so angry I could spit, so disappointed that I have been let down yet again but more than anything, heartbroken that I'm back on the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life with this parent. 

Had couple of medical issues that have caught me completely off guard that I cannot ignore.

I have been feeling on top of the world - sexy, successful and invincible. Felt that at this age, I was finally getting a handle on all the different roles and responsibilities that I have to juggle. And then this. 

Now, I feel absolutely drained and have no interest in anything other than crawling into my bed and staying there.  If it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, indulge me here, this is my blog and maybe it will all sound a little less irrational if I put it out there.  Also, spare me the lecture on being grateful for all that I have and focussing on the positives.  I really could do without all of it. 

Unfortunately for most women this kind of juggling is an everyday thing. Sad outcome of it is that it makes us doubt ourselves - result: goodbye libido.  My desire and sensuality is so tied to my sense of self worth that when I can't solve all the issues dealt to me at times like this, I lose it. And I want it back. 

Feeling like a weakling does not a vixen make. 

What to expect

This blog is created for all those women out there who question who they are. 

I am:

• curious about other women and their feelings about life, love and everthing else.
• concerned that it's only the Mom's that feel the need to blog. There are so many support blogs for mothers, but what about other issues that relate to women at different stages in their lives?
• eager to know where all the other "older" women are in blogland?  The media would have us believe that we're unworthy after 30 but bring it on girls, us older girls are experienced, sexy and fun.
• a complete hedonist and I love to have a good time.
• a responsible parent who has raised two awesome kids (even if I say so myself)
• very critical of myself
• I am a "Rocker" because that's the era of music that I identify with
• open to different opinions - no matter how shocking

I believe that there are a whole lot of women like me out there - ordinary women, who just need to hear that it's okay not to be "nice" or conformist

Why 38?

I am fortunate enough to have been married to the most awesome man for 15 years.  He has not only been my husband, he has also been my teacher.  You see, he believes in none of the stereotypes that society uses to define women.  

Most women have more than one role in life, we are daughters, granddaughters, friends, mothers, wives, lovers, workers - and very often all these roles have expectations of who we should be and by what standards our lives should be conducted.  The problem with having so many different roles is that very often they conflict - being a mother 24/7 doesn't bode well for the vixen that probably hides in all of us.  My man has worked tirelessly to make me understand that there is no glory in allowing "the woman" in me to die.  I may well be all of those other people (for probably most of my waking moments), but first and foremost, I am a woman.

Years ago a friend told me that "38 is the best age to be.  You've reached the age where you don't give a shit what other people think and you're comfortable enough with yourself to say I want this and this is how I want it"

As I approach the magical number (rather rapidly) I realise how right she was.  I am certainly not the person I was at 30, never mind 25.  I embrace being a woman and all that that entails. I work hard but I also play hard. I adore my children but I realise that they do not define me. I love passionately and I expect to be loved as much as I give.  And I love sex.  Why is that so difficult for women to acknowledge?  I'll tell you why... because it would mean that we're not "nice girls" or "ladylike".  And therein lies the crux of the matter. Society is not comfortable with us declaring that we would rather be having sex than baking cookies.