All on my own

She says...


I have been on my own since last Tuesday.  Mr Rocker is working away and the children are at school.  It is the first time since our 13 year old was born that I have been completely on my own. The work days seem to pass by relatively quickly and the evenings are short - I get in quite late, make something to eat, maybe do some work that I've brought home and before you know it, it's time for bed.


The weekends are another story though.  I planned activities to keep myself occupied - Saturday was split between pampering sessions (at the hair salon and the beauty parlour) and work.  Our factory was running on Saturday in order to deliver on a tight deadline so someone had to oversee it.  Luckily I was able to pop in at various times during the day to keep an eye on production and still have my pampering done.  


Saturday evening I spent with friends having a barbeque overlooking the most beautiful lake - they really are very fortunate to wake up to that stunning vista every morning.  The Fish Eagles flew overhead and we were kept entertained by a Yellow-billed Kite swooping down to catch a field mouse.  It was all very idyllc.  Yet, despite the good company and stunning location, there was just something missing. I have been to loads of events/outings without my man over the years due to the huge amount of travelling that he has been forced to do but somehow last night was different.  I felt his absence so keenly that I regretted having accepted the invitation.  Don't ask me why I felt different, I have no idea.  I knew that he was somewhere where he was needed far more than I needed him to be with me (he was visiting our children) and I was happy that he was with our children.  But, and there is always a but, I missed him dreadfully. 


I have come to realise that in the anguish that the separation from the children has brought on, I want nothing more than to be home and close to the person who completes me and with whom my soul finds peace. Mr Rocker is able, through his mere presence, to bring perspective to my life and without saying a word calms my fears.  I regret that at 38 years old I am still not able to bring on that calm state of being for myself but that I am reliant on someone else to help me achieve that.  


I realise that I am not a self-contained person and perhaps it's not too late to make a resolution that in 2011 I will find a way to peace on my own. I would really like to be different because neediness does not sit well with me.  

Only another week to go....