Can I turn it back or outrun it?

She says….

Time. 

Amazing how such a small word, really - it only has four letters, can have such influence in our lives.

I have never heard someone say that they have enough time in their lives to achieve all that they need/want to.  It is the background against which we lead our lives – think about how time rules your life – watches, alarm clocks, diaries, calendars.  They all form such a fundamental backdrop to our lives.  Now, don’t get me wrong, my life just wouldn’t work without some kind of scheduling.   I am less concerned about controlling the minutes that make up my hours / days / weeks than I am about how the years and decades are racing by.

Now I know that years are made up of days and weeks but hell, how quickly are these years passing by? I am now staring 40 squarely in the face.  Where did my life go? I remember distinctly the day Mr Rocker and I got together 24 years ago, fresh-faced kids who had no idea where that first kiss would lead.  It turned out to be the defining moment of my life.  Fast forward 24 years and here we are – two middle-aged people.

I will be the first to put up my hand and say that I am totally freaked out by ageing.  I have no fear of dying, but getting old terrifies me.  And, as with all fears, we try to control them.  Regrettably, no matter how hard I try, I cannot run away from the fact (and evidence) that I am getting old.

Call me a lookist, I accept that, but dear glory, I am not ready to accept that face staring back at me in the mirror.  Not a day of my life goes by that I don’t look in the mirror and wish for the years to miraculously drop off my face.  Now save me the platitudes about it happening to everybody, that simply doesn’t work for me.  I hate the fact that I AM GETTING OLD.  My skin is not what it used to be, I’m physically tired and my body looks its age.  No matter how much I sleep, how many lotions and potions I apply, kilometers I run or kg’s I lift, reality is that I am ageing.  I work hard at maintaining my health, I eat well, exercise regularly, try to get enough sleep and control my stress levels yet gravity is not having any of it. 

The reality is simple – I am nearly 40 years old and I can’t accept it.  Last week a friend commented that “it’s so nice to see you’re aging naturally and haven’t succumbed to trying to fight your age”. I am still trying to come to terms with the statement – does he mean that I really do look nearly 40 and there’s no denying it or is he complimenting me? 

In the meantime, I am saving for some repair work with a very kind plastic surgeon whom I consulted last week.