Okay, so I'm competitive

If you asked me if I'm a competitive person, I would probably say (very loudly) "NO".  Same would apply if you asked me if I'm a perfectionist, although this would probably be said rather defensively.  You see, I tend to see myself very differently to the way others see me.

One thing that I realised today though is that I constantly compare myself to other people.  My DH and I generally leave a social event and start discussing the other people in the car on the way home.  I'm always interested in his opinion and his analysis of situations, people etc.  I have come to realise though that for me, these are not discussions for discussion's sake but more an opportunity to size up all aspects of my life in comparison with others. 

You see, I have an obsession with knowing what the norms are and how I fit into those norms. Am I aging too quickly? Am I thinner/fatter than others? Am I intelligent enough? Am I good enough company? Is she adored by her man? How much sex does she get?  The list is endless. 

The lightbulb moment for me today was one of those in-the-queue moments.  I was in a queue in a store, the lady behind me asked me a question and I turned around to stare into the face of someone I knew many years ago.  It was great to see her after nearly 20 years, we chatted briefly, promised to make contact, as people do, and walked away.

By the time I had completed my business and driven back to my office, I had gone through quite a lengthy analysis of the encounter.  What I had actually done was size myself up against her.  Does she look younger than me?  Does she have a more interesting life?  Is she better dressed than I am?  Then I checked out her rings (surreptiously of course) to see if she had any interesting diamonds.   

The realisation of how ridiculous this is only hit me later in the day.  Why do I do this?  I wish I had the answer.  What I do know is that I am not dissatisfied with myself, my relationships, what I've achieved. I suppose realising that I am competitive is the first step.   Makes me sound like I lack confidence, which is not true.  Maybe I'm just competitive.

Still not ready to accept that I'm a perfectionist....